Golf and Cigar Smoking for Dummies

July 8, 2015

Some sports are incredibly exciting to watch. Nothing beats a football running back finding a hole between piles of 300-pound linemen and gaining 52 yards, or the sheer thrill of watching a cleanup hitter in baseball cracking one over the right field wall for a bases loaded grand slam home run.

Watching golf, on the other hand, is about as exciting as watching paint dry!

Of course, most of you will disagree, as golf is an enormously popular sport, as well as the traditional rite of passage amongst men who need a special day to bond with each other, lying about their wealth, and all of the hot women they are banging at work. It’s also the best way to avoid the dreaded honeydew list, or spending the day with your spouse looking for the perfect shower curtain.

In all seriousness, I had always thought that driving a cart 19 miles to hit a little ball into a hole seemed like a tremendously futile effort. However, after I tried playing a few times (rather, about 20 minutes) and only managed to drive the ball six inches past my left foot, I did develop respect for the sport … Shit, It’s hard as hell!

So, why am I writing a blog about golf? Well, because I know most of you folks love it, and it has some very distinct advantages. In addition, being the liberal-minded fellow that I am, I thought I would try to find the beauty in this classic sport, even though the only club that I am familiar with is the Elks. (Wow that joke really sucked… Even for me!)

Time: Look, golf ain’t exactly football. There’s no clock—although it would be interesting if another group of golfers could tackle you before you get to the next hole. (Not to mention it would drastically increase the TV audience.) Therefore, with no time restrictions, and 732 miles of grass, sand, and lakes, you have about ten hours to enjoy at least three quality smokes before you hit the 18th hole. Ok, that may be a bit of an exaggeration!

Outdoors: This one is pretty much self-explanatory. You’re outside, and for the most part not bound by those repugnant no-smoking laws. So you can take in  all of the scenic grass (rough), the sand (bunkers) and calming ponds (hazards).

Most importantly, you can use this occasion to improve your game, drink a shitload of beer, and talk about the head teller at a certain bank in Old Bridge N.J who has a set of knockers to die for! … Shit. I better lower my dose of Cialis!

Speaking of Cialis, when the moment arises, what’s the point of sitting in separate bathtubs in the woods?

Wow, did I digress!

Cigars…Cigars…Cigars:  OK, (Duh!) This is the only perk of playing golf that I know about. Considering that you will be lingering on that course for about the same time it would take me to walk from my house to Delaware, this is your opportunity to fire up a big ass cigar that even the late Ernie Kovacs would marvel at. However, please be forewarned that if you fire up a powerhouse Nicaraguan when you tee-off at 6 am with just a bowl of Wheaties in your belly, you stand an excellent chance of blowing chunks on those silly spiked shoes with the black tassels that cost you a fortune. So, before you grab your balls, know what strength stogy you can handle when the roosters are still crowing. I recommend starting out mild, and then five hours and 26 miles later, when you are on your fifth hole and sixth beer, you can smoke that massive 77 ring Triple Ligero, five-alarm monster and you won’t even feel it!

How many cigars: That’s totally up to you! Unless you’re a real pro, and have earned your ugly green polyester Masters Tournament Kmart jacket, you can never totally count on having a great game. However, I guarantee that you will always have a great day on the links when you are smoking your beloved cigar.

Therefore, in summary, it’s always a great experience spending a beautiful summer day on the golf course enjoying great cigars with good friends. Me personally, I’d rather spend the day with my pals sitting in box seats at Yankee Stadium watching a game. The only problem is the seats cost 300 bucks, and you can’t even smoke a damn cigar.


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